Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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