I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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