good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
