Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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