i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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