I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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