My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
