my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
