The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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