the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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