Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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