We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
