You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
