It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
