i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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