just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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