Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
