Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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