he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
