1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
