There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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