The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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