it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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