mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
