And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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