all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
