Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
