You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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