Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
