Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
