apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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