Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
