I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
