So drunk its hurt
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
