I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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