I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
cat food counts as protein by the way
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Randomize
