Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She bit a glass in half.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
