I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
