That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
