The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
