i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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