im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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