I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
