even my farts smell like vagina
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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