My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
