Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
