Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
