Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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