there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
