The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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