i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
