WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
